Asshole of the Week: Fake Handicapped People At Free Promotional Screenings

by Matthew Kaiser

If you fake being handicapped, shame on you

Like a pack of motorized cotton-topped buzzards, I watch as you gather at the front of the long movie screening line. Usually the same ten to fifteen, 65 years and older group of retired freeloading movie leeches are at every damn screening. I get it you are on a fixed income and this is a way for you to get out and socialize. I just have a hard time believing your movie tastes encompass everything from "Paranormal Activity" to "The SpongeBob Movie." Plus if you really need those motorized scooters to get around, which conveniently give you front of the line access, maybe you should keep the charade up and not park them, then climb seven levels of stairs for a better seat. If you’re going to fake being handicapped, at least play it out by sitting in the handicapped seats.

I won't even mention the multiple snack bar and bathroom break visits sans moving medical device. My wife has to use one of those devices to get from the car to the theater and back. At no point is she suddenly Gregory fucking Hines tap dancing out to get popcorn, but some of you old farts think you can get away with it. And you do it for all kinds of movies! It really sucks when 25 people who had to work, fight traffic, and rush to get to the theater just so they can see a  movie since their shit paying jobs allow them zero entertainment are turned away. This due to your band of movie sucking vampires being there at three o’clock since your court shows ended early and you already had a nice prune and Geritol dinner. I'm not saying don't go to movie screenings, just let some of the young whipper snappers get a shot once in awhile. Play an extra night of bingo or curl up in your craftmatic bed with some tapioca pudding and watch some “Wheel of Fortune.” Here's hoping to not see you at the movies.


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